Broken

The title says it all.

Tc,

Marjorie C, You know me

Random

Ever get that random heart sinking feeling?

Well it seems to be a constant thing in my life these days.

To this day, I don't know my reason for it, or maybe I do,and I just don't want to tell anyone...

I question, who is there for me these days? I mean, sure, there are people I know, but have I really pushed almost everyone away? Even then, there are some things that I myself, am not willingly able to admit to people.

I know I've been busy and I have kept myself busy BUT at the end of the day who is really STILL there?

I will just add it to my list of bottled things up.

Who knows maybe, I have just finally burst, and still seem to continue spiraling down.

Maybe I just need that one randomly warm hug. 

But is there really anyone who will give it?

Tc,

Marjorie C, You know me

Letters

Things that want to be said.

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Dear you,
It's been awhile, how has your life been? I'm sorry I never end up finding time to talk to you, but I really do miss you and our conversations. Are we still as close as we always were? I actually feel distant to everyone now, especially you. TBH, maybe I actually did push myself away from you.

Love me

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Dear you,
Hey, how are doing? I honestly worry if you are still ok. Honestly, I do miss you but I will stand by what has happened and I guess be stubborn about it. I'm sorry that the decisions made effected you as much as they did but know that, even though it's not me, you do have a lot of friends who will be there for you. Take care, I know everything will be ok.

Love me

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Dear you,
I honestly don't know where to begin with you, you are someone who is holding me together, you have so much faith in my abilities and believe in me so much. Thank you for everything.

Love me

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Dear you,
Can you let me go and be who I really want to be? Why restrict me so? I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago.

Love me

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Dear you,
I honestly don't know what even happened to us! We were so close, I even thought we would be the whole friends forever type thing, but I guess not. It is actually quite awkward for me now whenever we talk now (if we ever talk). Did I do something wrong? Or have we both just changed so much? Maybe one day we'll be close again. I actually miss us.

Love me

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Dear you,
You are another person that I miss. I actually regret that we just suddenly stopped talking all together. I know you have been through a lot, and the stupid friend that I was, wasn't really there for you as much as i'd have liked to. Are we still able to rekindle what was once between us?

Love me

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Dear you,
I know i've already written to you, but I would like to say, I'm actually worried about our future. It scares me. It feels like a bit of an emotional roller coaster with you.

Love me

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Dear Future me,
Am I healthy yet, i never really liked my medicine? Did I reach the goals that I aimed for ever since I was a young girl? I hope I'm not stuck in that one fear. If I am stuck, know that, you are smarter than you think and you should believe in yourself, you are capable of doing anything if you actually put your mind to it. YOU CAN DO IT, live the life we dreamed as a young girl.

Love Current self

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Tc,
Marjorie C, You Know Me

Beat

Sometimes I wonder,
Did I really make the right decisions about everything?

Is this how everything was suppose to turn out in the end?

Are these constant experiences actually breaking me bit by bit?
Or have my walls already crumbled, and I'm trying to put the shattered pieces together but struggling?

I never know, what to do, or if whatever was done was right.

It actually hurts.

and I actually don't know why?

or do I?

Am I hurting for the reason I think, a completely different one or a combination of multiple?

I actually just want to go and run away, scream somewhere, or just cry to myself alone.

Being strong or positive.

Its all just total Bullshit in the end.

At the end of the day, it's all just pretend.

This time around,

I guess I'm letting life beat me.

Tc,

Marjorie C, You know me

Letting Go

ANYTHING...
even of the slightest hope, I may have.

I will let go.

I have set myself with ONLY 2 conditions that I can let it resurface.

This is my new rule for myself.

Tc,
Marjorie C, You Know Me

Just a Recollection

Sometimes, old and unwanted memories come back...
What do you do with them? How are you suppose to react?

That One Day, will it forever haunt me?

Who knew the effect some movies have on people.

Just one scene was enough to bring back the entire graphic recollection that I always wanted to forget.

I thought I was over the whole experience, but when all the emotions come flooding back and start replaying in my head, I guess it's not that easy to get over.

Come to think of it, I don't think I ever got over it. I think after all these years I just denied it happened, Or that something bad happened overall. 

Why is it that now, I feel that fear and desperation again. I remember it all, feeling so helpless, not being able to move, no matter what I did, I was overpowered. All I could do was lie there, whilst continuously and frantically turn my head in attempt to avoid what was coming and then close my eyes wishing that it would all end ok. Of course it did end ok, but did it really? 

It's time for me to get over the whole ordeal properly. I can't deny it. At the end of the day something bad did happen and it left me with an emotional scar to forever bear.

Whether I denied it out of protection, or maybe just fear for myself... I will never know. 

It's not something anyone should ever go through, and I feel for those who know these experiences.

This will be the last time, I cry over this whole situation. Next time, this will not have the same effect on me, all it will be is Just a Recollection.

Tc,

Marjorie C, You Know Me

Welcoming the Rain

For all those who know me, they'll know, that within the past few weeks, I seem to have gone through a lot of changes in my life. I'm not going to lie, it's been tough. So many thoughts have clouded my mind and so many old habits had to cease to exist within only a small amount of time.

Is it bad or sad to say that I am welcoming the rain? All these life changing moments leave nothing but little sunshine for me and cloudy days.

If I had written this post earlier, I would have said that I was drowning in this downpour, but I am thankful as there is someone out there holding out the umbrella for me. No matter how heavy the downpour, no matter how hard I try to leave the shelter and attempt to drown or soak in it's misery, I will always get pulled back under the umbrella.

The more time passes, the less I feel of entering the rain, the more I cling closer and tighter to the umbrella and it's holder.

I'm afraid, what will happen when the rain stops? When the sunshine comes, the umbrella and it's holder will just disappear from me right?

Although promises have been made. Promises seem to get broken. For once, I'm afraid of the sunshine, for with the sun, there will be no rain, and no need for an umbrella to shelter and comfort me from the real world.

For now, I guess I will stay welcoming the rain.

Tc,
Marjorie C, You Know Me