At this present moment in time, I don't even know if I'm depressed anymore. I even stopped seeing my psychologist "secretly" since I never really told my family because I thought I was ok. I stopped taking my medication as well, cos I thought I was ok.
No matter how much I think about it, I feel like I'm ok, and yet, I still feel so different.
I just feel like wiping all the friends I knew and know from me. I've even stopped replying to inbox messages, text messages, can't be bothered with phone calls, even turned my phone off. Just never really put it on charge after the battery died.
I don't know if its just experiences, but I feel like I don't really need friends, they all just seem temporary. Once my use is done, they all seem to ditch me, and not talk to me until they need me again. The more friends I have, the more chance there is for me to disappoint someone. I can't do what a friend asks and hence disappoint them. It always happen. I always feel bad. I guess I'm just shielding myself from causing disappointment and always constantly feeling bad afterwards, and feeling like such a bad friend, because I can't do whatever someone wants anymore.
People say I'm a people person, I use to think I was one, but its all just how I act. Deep down, I don't want to talk to new people or make new friends anymore because all I ever seem to do is disappoint. Every time someone tries to contact me now, I feel like its for something that they want. All I get is "hey, let's do this..." "Can you do me a favour.." "Can I ask you something..." Etc.
I just don't know, talking to people just feels so awkward to me. Like everything for me is pretend. I pretend I'm the happiest person in this world. But I'm not. I pretend I'm the nicest person in the world, which I am in a way, but I don't want to be anymore.
Everyone, I use to talk to, be close to at a stage, I feel like I've lost them all.
Being social is hard. Having friends is hard. It just sets me up to disappoint more and more people. I'm never really good enough to be anyone's friend, I guess since all I do is disappoint.
It brings up so many questions in my life. Why do I get punished when all I ever try to be is my best? Why is everything I do seemingly disappointing?
This whole holiday period, I didn't hang out with anyone, and i actually felt ok. More content when I talk to noone (theo not included ).
I'm just socially awkward and inadequate to everyone. That's one of the main reasons I didn't hang out, and sort of postponed bake day. It's because, I don't feel ready anymore to talk to anyone. And that everyone who I had invited, I don't know anymore, cos I've changed and they have changed. Knowing that I don't know all these people anymore, how can I be expected to socially entertain them as I invite them into my house. I'm just not capable of it at the moment.
I will appear social again, once uni hits I guess. Cos I have to.
And for all those who are worried about me. Don't be. I won't do anything. I've passed the self inflicting harm/suicidal phase. Now, I'm just trying to unbottle everything inside of me and how I feel now.
I guess my own form of treatment is to push everyone away at the moment, shield myself from risk. Until I'm ready again, and all my insecurities diminished, one step at a time.
After all, it can only better from here.
Tc,
Marjorie C, You know me.
No comments:
Post a Comment